Sex was rarely talked about growing up, but isn't that the typical story of a church girl? I was raised to keep my legs closed and wait until marriage to have sex or I could end up getting pregnant, getting a disease, or in the wrong side of God's wrath. I feared getting entangled in a soul tie more than trying to cross the street while blindfolded.
I didn't mind waiting until marriage to have sex. I found it fun to be celibate. I kept myself pretty engaged with pursuing my passions and saw the benefit in waiting and shared my celibacy story with young ladies. However, what I would later discover is how hard it was to say "Yes" after “No” was the norm for so long. There wasn't much taught on how to please your spouse, foreplay, intimacy or affection in a loving faith-based household.
I was maintaining my virginity just fine and then I turned 17, one of the most difficult years I would have to face in life. I was so busy trying to get away from my teacher who was making aggressive sexual advances toward me every single day that I ran into the arms of someone else who would take advantage of me. I wondered if I had some kind of sign on my back or if I was doing something that was giving men the wrong impression. Isn’t it sad how we blame ourselves for the actions of other people?
Well anyway at age 22 I had finally met the man I would marry. He was a charming guy with a great laugh, shared my faith, and was one of the few many to fully respect the standards I set for myself which caused me to fall in love. I wanted things to be special, so I didn’t even kiss him until our wedding day.
Premarital counseling, although very brief, did bring up the discussion for birth control. Confession time: this was going to be my first pap smear because I had a small case of iatrophobia. This visit spiralled downhill as soon as the physician tried to perform the pap smear. I hadn’t felt pain since the incident. I was experiencing a muscle spasm but he ignored it and told me I would be fine and to use a ton of lubricant on my wedding night. Well the night had finally come and I was hoping it would be like I imagined - warm, soft music, romantic ambiance, lots of foreplay and this exchange of passion. It was just the opposite.
No communication, no eye contact, no music, no romance, no love - every thrust was excruciating. What I observed was that my skin felt raw and a burning sensation much like a sunburn. This then turned into a stabbing pain. It felt as if sandpaper was wrapped around his manhood scrapping the tissue inside of me. I was crying, the pain was too much to bear and I begged for a moment to at least catch my breath. When it was over the semen burned a little and I had to pee which felt like lava. The pain lingered for about a week after. The first 2 days felt as if I still had his penis inside me and my muscles felt numb and tingly.
Needless to say, this was traumatic and I felt used and violated, but this was my husband and I loved him, I thought maybe there was some kind miscommunication. I told him but I got a response of "It was good for me, sorry it wasn't a good experience for you…" It took 3 months for me to gather up the courage to advance my husband, things were so awkward but I had begun to feel guilty and even selfish, but I was afraid of the pain and confused my feelings. This began to be a very damaging pattern. Only with each new attempt my husband could not even enter me. At one point I was told I wasn't trying hard enough and when he sought advice, he explained he was told to “break me in.” I will never understand that advice. (I want to insert here that therapy taught me two things: First, that vaginismus occurs even if you are aroused and the spasms can still block penetration. Second, you have the right to say no to sex and at any point in time you are not comfortable with what's happening; If you change your mind or say no, and do not want to participate in sex and he/she continues that is rape regardless of who it is.)
I became angry with God and begged him to heal me so that I wouldn’t lose my husband. I figured it was only a matter of time before he would step out on the marriage. I was so embarrassed because I couldn't please him and I was so inexperienced sexually, I didn’t even know what my options really were.
I needed help, I went to my leaders and although I could see they wanted to help they honestly had no idea what to do or say. I went to the doctor and he was stumped. He went to get his medical book and told me I may have “Vaginitis.” What I didn't know was that this was going to be a long disappointing journey. The visits and exams are painful and humiliating - I thought “Is it always going to be like this? He told me there was no cure but I could try a few things to minimize the pain and gave me a subscription for an antidepressant. Another doctor told me to switch my birth control to the shot and to use lidocaine. What she didn't tell me is that it would burn or cause my husband to feel numb as well. After a few different doctor visits, I was beginning to feel hopeless as now they were just guessing. I went from vaginitis to vulvodynia, to vestibulodynia, to provoked vestibulitis to fibromyalgia.
I looked up my symptoms myself and was at least encouraged to find a handful of videos on YouTube of other women with pelvic spasms and honeymoon horrors, but I couldn't help but notice the support they had from their spouses/partners that I seemed to lack. But I was determined to try to save my sex starved marriage, if only I could be “fixed.”
I went back to the first doctor and told him about the other treatments and he referred me to a specialist. Boy was I excited! She then diagnosed me with provoked vestibulitis and prescribed the anti-depressant… AGAIN. I told her frustratedly I had tried that and she said well the next thing would be a vestibulectomy.
I was completely devastated. I had already thanked my husband for being "patient" and told my husband that I was going to be fixed and here she was really trying to do it; I felt like a dog in line waiting to be neutered. I felt so defeated and this led to more depression, weight gain, and low self-esteem. I was doing everything I could and I was ignoring all the other issues I had in my marriage because I felt like I owed my husband sex. I felt he didn't believe me and thought I was just rejecting him purposely. But I wasn't - I just felt rushed, pressured, and afraid.
Three years post my - year marriage, I met my new gynaecologist, Dr. Cho, on August 1st 2019 and everything changed. She was so calm and so reassuring and I felt so safe with her. It was the first time I got through a pap smear. She told me she would recommend a physical therapist who specialised in my condition. My P.T. told me for years I naturally clinched my pelvic muscles all day and that's why they were so tight probably since age 17. I was on to dilators. I have made so much progress and am finally open to dating and have also worked on self-love and acceptance.
Although I have vaginismus it would be considered a level 1 according to Dr. Pacik’s book “When Sex Seems Impossible." It is no longer stopping me from living my life. I feel so free now that I don’t have this shameful secret. I don't see my lady parts as a bad place and I will no longer sabotage relationships in fear of history repeating itself. I want you to know you are not alone, and you are not broken! There are so many options out there from dilators to Kegels and Botox. There are also various non penetrative ways to share in intimacy with our partners and no need to put all the attention on what you may not be able or want to do. Many vaginismus stories do not include sexual violation but unfortunately my story does but I’m here to tell you I am okay, and thriving today. The time has come for us to stop suffering in silence. Don't rush your progress, trust you can and you will get through this!