“You may not control all the events that happen to you,
but you can decide not to be reduced by
them.”
– Maya Angelou
I remember so well emptying the contents of my bag, shaking out this weird looking dilator amongst all my other stuff. After my last session with the physiotherapist I was told that I would now have to fly solo and practise controlling my muscles both on my own and with my boyfriend. I was 24 years old at the time.
Looking back, I was lucky to have met a wonderful boy who was in it to win it and who happily made a game out of it that we both enjoyed. This said this wasn’t the way I had hoped that my treatment plan would end. After learning to control my muscles I had hoped that I would walk straight from the physio’s office into my boyfriend’s bedroom and BADABOOM vaginismus was a thing from the past. But I was wrong. It seems I was just halfway through my journey.
Staring at the dilator I wondered how it would help. Honestly, it was not one of those slick looking models that you can currently buy - it was a balloon dilator. Yes, you heard that right. To sketch the image for you, while inserted you were able to add air so it would get thicker in shape. Mind you this was 16 years ago.
My strongest memory of this contraption is that it gave me the chills. It was the least sexy thing I could own. The confidence that I showed in the therapist office was not the same when practicing with the dilator, it was all but fun. Not only did I have the challenge of trying to control the balloon, but I also had to try to control my muscles - or better said, my body. While this was already an interesting scene itself, thoughts would arise and my mind decided to add a touch of doubt, like “Will it hurt?” “Am I doing this right?” “This doesn’t work!” “Will this ever work?” My mind would take over, knocking my confidence to the extent that the dilator found a new home far (far) in the back of my closet.
Unsuccessful practice days brought frustration, embarrassment and sadness, which meant the balloon would gather dust before I would try again. Practicing with my then boyfriend was fun but just when I was about to float outside my body, just before the PIV moment, I had to go back into my body to consciously try to control my muscles. Where I started with full confidence, the moment that it became challenging my mind again decided to ask, “What if it doesn’t fit?” “What if it doesn’t work!” What if it hurts?” “What will he think?” “What is wrong with me?” “IT DOESN’T WORK” “What if he leaves me?”
Regardless of all the things I learned, regardless of my wants, while lying there my thoughts took over and my body listened as the gates decided to close. I wasn’t aware of this until much later. It took me a while to realise this about myself and of how to communicate with myself while staying in arousal and excitement.
After physio I knew the practicalities of my body and over the years I got to know my sexy self. The part I hadn’t always noticed was that chatter box that was whispering shitty little thoughts to sabotage me back to safety. This was the part of me whose confidence was knocked, who held all my fears, but desperately wanted things to be different. It was the part that held onto the negative memories and created doubt just when I needed her to calm down. There she was waving danger flags standing on the bridge between body and mind trying to stop all traffic.
As a coach I daily hear this chatterbox show up in my clients. Some call this our inner critic, our gremlins, but I mostly use the term Saboteur. After therapy most of us walk away knowing the roots and after-effects of our fears of our saboteur quite well. With vaginismus, the effect can be an obvious one as the body responds to all the above.
So how do we get rid of this saboteur? Uhmm… maybe we don’t, but we learn to tune it down. Where we try to cross the bridge towards change, our saboteur is mostly standing just at the edge of the bridge waving flags of fear, self-doubt, comparisons, building walls of what ifs, and so on. Sometimes it can be a real biatch but other times it’s there to protect us.
So, what if we can create a different relationship with that chatterbox?
My saboteurial voice was trying to protect me from rejection, pain and disappointment. It wanted to protect me from the unknown and even if it pretended it so desperately wanted to have PIV, it put all the wheels in motion to do the exact opposite.
After years of coaching others, I’ve noticed that we know ourselves so well in the negative, we know how we are in the dark and how our saboteur moves when in lockdown. We talk about it with our therapist, our friends, to ourselves and maybe even strangers. The dark has become a safe space, a place we got to know, even if it’s uncomfortable or hurtful. In this space we sometimes forget the part of us who is brave and who wanted to cross that bridge. We forget about the part of us who went to find support, who is hoping to find answers, who bought a dilator, is sexual and holds the confidence and hope.
Sometimes our focus is off, and we need to switch it back.
What if we focus on the things that create our confidence and that makes us open up (literally)? What if we step into these scary new situations and our minds bring thoughts of encouragement instead of shame and doubt. Even though you can’t control all bad events that happens with regards to vaginismus, you can decide not to be reduced by them. Knowing that our body is listening out for the negatives in order to protect us, it is also open and waiting to hear the positives. And it will listen, learn to trust, and let go and surrender.
So, the next time you pick up your sexy dilator remind yourself - You are not vaginismus, you are you with all your beauty and strength, and you on your way to crossing that bridge.
Be kind to yourself.