Finding pleasure in dilating was an absolute game changer for me. I cannot shout loudly enough about this. Before then, I was pretty much going through the motions: I mean, there were positives to be had because I was making some progress, which felt so good, however none of the positives were about it being a fun experience. It was still pretty much a tick-box exercise, certainly not anything sensual.
I can’t remember specifically why I decided to incorporate pleasure into the dilating process. It might have been down to boredom, or it may have been when I hit a bit of a brick wall in terms of my progress (I do remember it taking me a while to progress from the second to the third dilator) but, one day, I decided that I needed to make dilating as pleasurable an experience as possible. It wasn’t going anywhere, after all. For me, finding pleasure in dilating was twofold: how I viewed dilators and how I used them.
I decided to start viewing dilators in the same way I would any other sex toy. I admit that it helps when you have a set like mine from Sh!, which look nice and come with a vibrating bullet, rather than the more traditional ones that can look a lot scarier, cold and clinical. Having spent a lot of time at the sex shop Sh!, I can tell you that their dilators definitely feel like any of their other sex toys – and they probably wouldn’t look too conspicuous in a sex toy line up, either. This shift in mindset helped a lot, actually; it made me feel more positive about the whole thing and, I guess, less of a ‘weirdo’ for having to use dilators in the first place (which, by the way, I now know is absolutely not the case for anyone who uses dilators; I’m just being honest about how I felt back then).
Making the physical shift to incorporate pleasure in dilating was, however, the most important thing I could’ve done. I thought about what arouses me the most and how I could bring that to the table when dilating. The answer was simple: clitoral stimulation. Simply put, at the same time as inserting the dilator, I would use my thumb on the same hand to stimulate my clitoris, enabling me to feel more relaxed and aroused. You can also use the Sh! vibrating bullet for this, or something like the ‘Power Finger’ by ML Creation (a small, neat finger vibrator), which is also excellent. Once I was able to enjoy the experience, my progress accelerated: the experience was pleasurable, and dare I say fun, which meant that I didn’t dread it and, in turn, I found that I was doing it much more frequently. I also found that I would slow down and make it more of a ‘thing’ – essentially a positive self-care exercise that I began to actually look forward to, rather than a chore that I felt I had to do.
Over to Kate…
It’s obvious to see that the things that we enjoy more, we do more. It just makes sense that if something feels good, then we are motivated and encouraged to do it more. This has almost never made more sense than when it comes to sex. Pleasure is a motivator.
I often discuss with my clients who have pain conditions or painful sex, the idea of moving along a scale of painful to pleasurable, passing through uncomfortable and comfortable on the way through; but for me as a therapist one of the turning points in therapy and the treatment of vaginismus comes when pleasure becomes a part of the experience. It’s also about how we not just physically, but also psychologically respond to what we are doing. It’s easier to relax if we expect something to feel good, rather than bad. We aren’t anticipating the previously assumed discomfort or pain that comes with dilating, and we start to shift our perspective and definition of what it means to be using dilators, and how we relate to them as aids and as a practice. A lot of it also comes down to how we are educated about our bodies. Direct clitoral stimulation is acknowledged as the most reported way of women achieving sexual pleasure and orgasm. It’s important for people to know that the internal structure of the clitoris can be stimulated through the walls of the vagina; the entirety of the organ is not just the glans which is the external part of the clitoris, (which people commonly refer to as the clitoris as a whole). In reality there is a much larger internal structure which is not visible. It’s also important to remember that sex and pleasure aren’t defined by or dependent on penetration, and plenty of people have enjoyable and satisfactory sex lives without intercourse as a result, if the motivation to be sexual is about feeling good, then penetration isn’t a necessary to achieve that.
Aside from the psychological benefits of enjoying what you are doing, pleasure brings arousal, and arousal brings relaxation, more blood and oxygenation of tissue to the genitals and more lubrication which makes penetration more comfortable (although I would always recommend that you still use lubricant).
If we are able to enjoy what we are doing, and anticipate that we will enjoy it, then it’s easier for us to experience positive anticipation and desire. We may even end up looking forward to using dilators as the perspective shift puts them in a more favourable light, something which instead of being a source of anxiety, become a source of feeling good, satisfied or fun. For many women this is a major breakthrough, and I often say to women that if you feel unsure about dilators then choose sex toys which you are comfortable with. Visit a shop like Sh! and take their advice. Positive association plays a big role in moving forward and gaining confidence when it comes to dilating, and pleasure should be something you aim to incorporate into your routine as much as possible.