I recently had the pleasure of speaking at the annual Vaginismus Awareness Day event, hosted by Sh!. The event was incredible, and it was such a joy to connect with over 80 people worldwide to talk all things vaginismus.
I decided to use my slot to share my vaginismus bucket list pre founding the Vaginismus Network, and to reflect on how I feel about it today because so much has changed for me in how I view myself and how I view living with vaginismus. I’d like to share that bucket list with you, as I believe it will resonate with many and it is my hope that you can take some key messages from it.
But first, here’s a bit about my experience of living with vaginismus for context. Rewind to 2016, the year that I finally accepted that I have vaginismus and the year that I very, very tentatively started opening up to friends about it. Prior to that I had spent 15 years not talking to anybody about what was going on. I’d lived an 8-year relationship without ever addressing the elephant in the room, which was the fact that we couldn’t have penetrative sex. This lack of communication about what was going on meant that I overcompensated in many ways sexually and would often do things that I didn’t necessarily want to do, but I felt that I had to because I couldn’t give my partner that one thing that everyone else was supposedly enjoying so easily. Either that, or I took myself off elsewhere mentally.
When that partner and I broke up, I closed up even more: we hadn’t addressed the issue, I didn’t have a word for what it was, and I believed I was broken. With friends, I always felt like I was a phoney, never giving my full self to my friendships and pretending everything was okay. I was the friend that suddenly needed to use the toilet or would suggest another round at the bar whenever the mention of sex and relationships came up (I know that many of you will be able to relate to that one). I wouldn’t date because, in my mind, nobody would accept me so why even bother trying. I wasn’t very nice to myself at all, and I would tell myself that I had failed at being an adult: so much worth was placed on my ability to have – or not have – penis-in-vagina sex.
So, when I did start addressing the issue back in 2016, I had a very clear vaginismus bucket list (drumroll, please...):
Be able to wear a tampon like a “real woman/adult” (on behalf of past Lisa, I apologise for the language I used)
Get a penis in my vagina. All the way. Ideally comfortably (no mention of pleasure)
Have a smear test because, health reasons aside, a part of me felt like I wasn’t a proper adult as I hadn’t had one (apologies once again...)
Move on with my life and forget the whole thing ever happened
I hope that isn’t relatable to anyone, but I have a sneaky suspicion that it could be.
It was when I met Kat the following year in 2017 that it struck us how life-changing it is to connect with another person who completely understands what you’re going through. Finally, I was not alone! Very quickly Kat and I decided that enough was enough – as much as we wanted to, we couldn’t turn back the clock and relive our late teens and twenties vaginismus-free and liberated, but we could help others. And as you all know, we then went on to set up the Vaginismus Network with the aim of connecting, supporting and empowering others with the condition. Essentially, we longed to provide other people with something that we could have really used as two young women growing up with the condition.
Whilst I set up the network to help others, it’s through running it that I’ve realised just how much it has helped me too: I’ve learnt so much, I've met so many sex-positive and like-minded individuals, and my confidence has grown in so many ways that I now feel like a completely different person. And it’s because of all this that my own goalposts have since changed. So, let’s take another look at that bucket list:
Be able to wear a tampon – I've never worn one and I literally could not care less. Period pants for the win. And I am certainly no less of a person because I haven’t inserted a cotton tube into my vagina.
Get a penis in my vagina - Having grown up with penis-in-vagina sex on a pedestal as the only way to have sex, it has been so liberating for me to realise that there is so much more to sex than that. Yes, that’s one way, and it can be a wonderful way, but it’s certainly not the only way. Also, through all of this, I have learnt so much about myself, pleasure, what I do and don’t like that, actually, when I think back to a parallel world where I might not have had vaginismus, I almost feel sorry for that version of me as I can clearly see her with the same guy, having penis-in-vagina sex only, going through the motions and not experimenting or learning about pleasure more broadly. So, I’ve since knocked that one down a peg or two and, for me now, it’s certainly not the end goal.
Have a smear test – Well, firstly, same as wearing a tampon, very quickly I came to realise that having a smear does not define who I am as a person! And I also came to realise that treating vaginismus isn’t a linear, tick-box exercise. It’s not a case of tampon (tick!), smear (tick!), penis (tick!). For instance, when I was able to insert the largest dilator in my set of trainers very comfortably, I certainly wasn’t ready to then just go ahead and book my smear. And I still couldn’t insert a tampon even though it was so much smaller than that particular dilator. Vaginismus is complex and penetration of one thing doesn’t necessary mean penetration of all the things. A smear was a big source a pressure for me, but I’ve learned to listen to my needs and do things in my own time.
Move on with my life and forget the whole thing ever happened – Well, clearly that hasn’t happened! But, in all seriousness, you don’t have to go out and shout about it from the rooftops (unless of course you want to!). Just connect with others, talk to a mate about it, start to let it become an okay part of your life. For me, accepting it was the biggest thing.
I hope through what I’ve shared you can see the power of communication and connecting with others – doing so has genuinely changed my life. I also hope that this serves as a reminder that we are all unique, with different needs and bucket lists. The most important thing is that you do what feels right to you, in your own time and at your own pace. But whatever your needs, always know that you are never alone in this.