Perhaps like most when they first start out on their journey with dilators, I had never considered that this practise would be anything but clinical to me. I mean, it was certainly presented in this way by my GP, and I had never seen or heard of dilators being a part of anything remotely pleasurable. It took me a really long time to realise that dilators and pleasure could come in the same sentence – it was years, in fact! I remember the exact moment I made this discovery – on holiday with my partner – and I will never forget that overwhelming feeling of “oh, of COURSE it’s easier now”. It made complete sense that when I was aroused, my body would do its thing.
Once I’d had the epiphany there was no turning back for me - I wanted every dilating session to have some pleasure involved. I also learnt that variety really IS the spice of my dilating life, but I was quickly running out of pleasure-inspiration! I needed something new.
Now, I’ll be honest and say that I never thought something like erotica was FOR me. Realistically, I know that erotica is for anyone who wants to read it, but I always personally excluded myself from things like erotica, thinking that it’s only the people with the super “high sex drive”, the flourishing sex life, the people with it ALL TOGETHER. I felt the same about sex toys, and certainly the same about porn – I felt so excluded from porn that I simply could not watch it. I think there has always been a certain level of shame that I’ve felt any time I watched or read anything that aroused me (now that is something to take to my therapist!). The reality is that erotica IS for me. And you. And anyone! I started to believe that maybe this was something I could incorporate into my dilating practise that might change up my routine and bring some new excitement to the scene.
I’d be lying if I said I still don’t struggle a little – that is with all kinds of sexual paraphernalia – but I’m coming around. Reading a little bit of erotica here and there does shake it up a little, and sex toys have now become a firm part of my routine too, but I think it’s all about bringing pleasure into your dilating practise in whatever way works for you. I think what I’m trying to say is, give erotica a chance! If it has ever intrigued you, if you’ve considered reading but feel too ashamed, or if you’re just looking for that new element to your dilating, give erotica a chance and it just might be the thing you’re looking for. (It also might not, and that’s fine too.)
Over to Kate…
Anecdotally, and what I have seen from my therapy practice and working with many struggling with vaginismus, is that there are a couple of key turning points, in the process of dilating, and one of them is the incorporation of pleasure. As Rosie said, for many it may have never even crossed their minds (or ever been told by someone) that there could be a possibility of it being viewed another way, that a shift of perspective could allow for it to be seen as a process of learning and experiencing that isn't all negative. For many, but by no means all people struggling with vaginismus, the challenges around the condition can lead to a pulling away or avoidance of anything sex and sexuality related, even if it's not about having sex.
Hearing or talking about sex can feel triggering, or a reminder of what isn't working for you and that can relate to self-pleasure and exploration too - or accessing sexual content whether that's written, audio or video. One reason that I believe incorporating pleasure into your dilating practice works is because pleasure and enjoyment are reinforcing - we move towards, rather than avoid the things that we like and make us feel good, and when it comes to our sex lives experiencing arousal and feeling turned on has benefits for making sex more comfortable. It takes blood flow to the pelvic area, increasing sensitivity and we have an increase in natural lubrication (although it is always recommended with dilating you use additional lubricant). When it comes to using erotica, it can trigger desire, help you to get your mind on your side, and encourage arousal but alongside this it can help to ignite your sexual imagination and allow this type of psychological stimulation into your personal sexual space. It can also help you to start to explore your sexual sense of self; for many people the visual of pornography is too much, or it doesn't feel relatable or representative, and so audio or visual allows them to design their own experience more - tailoring how the people in their fantasies look, or even putting themselves into them.
Something I often say is that your imagination is the best pornography that you have in a way as it's completely personalised; and this is where audio or written erotica may really work for you. For some people it feels easier to have a prompt or a stimulus to get started, particularly if they don't know what they like and so instead of feeling that you are beginning a sexual experience from a 'cold start' it can help to trigger desire and get you in the mood as it focuses your mind more towards the idea of sexual pleasure. There are amazing apps like Ferly and Dipsea stories for audio-erotica, and also now in terms of pornography there are lots of female-lead and created platforms and feminist creators such as Erika Lust and platforms like Frolic Me. The important thing is that it's your choice, like every other aspect of dilating and this series of blogs - it's about making it work for you. In the modern world we live in their are so many options and way to explore, that if you don't find what works for you initially, then you don't need to give up hope - there is no one-size-fits-all approach to sexual experiences. No person's vaginismus process is identical, in the same way that their process of working through it won't be.