Most people I know who’ve tried dilating will say that, upon purchasing their first set, they will arrive home and shove them to the back of their wardrobe. There they will remain, brought out only to be used, then hidden away again. I get it. This is exactly what I did when I bought my first set. Why would I not want to hide them away when, even though I had willingly purchased my set, and even though I had left the sex shop feeling ready and empowered, a part of me still felt embarrassed for having to use them in the first place? And why on earth would I want a constant reminder that I had vaginismus? No thank you. Back of the wardrobe you go.
It was a few months into the dilating process, however, that I realised that a negative behavioural pattern had formed. The more I continued to shove the dilators to the darkest depths of my wardrobe, the more they felt like a dark secret. This, in turn, validated what I wrongly believed at the time: that using them was something to be ashamed of. I was feeding the shame, making dilating a taboo and I needed to find a way to break the cycle.
Rather than go all out and leave the dilators strewn across my bed, I started by storing them in a place that I accessed regularly – my underwear drawer. And rather than tuck them away in the drawer, I placed them right at the top. Seeing the dilators every single day served as an effective reminder to keep using them (I could conveniently forget about them for weeks when they were in the depths of my wardrobe). It also helped to normalise the whole thing as, the more frequently I saw them, the more a part of my everyday life they became.
It was once I’d gotten used to this that I made them a bigger part of the bedroom. I’d chuck them on my bed and go about my day. Sometimes I’d line them up neatly on my bookshelf, or perhaps on my dresser: my ones are actually quite attractive (as attractive as dilators can be, of course!) so I didn’t mind leaving them out. And, in the same way that having them in my underwear drawer served as a daily reminder, now having them a more obvious part of my bedroom – and something that I would see several times a day as I was going about my business – again helped in normalising them for me. There were of course a couple of times where I had unexpected visitors and wished I hadn’t been so liberal but, hey, finding humour in things also helps.
I appreciate that we are all unique and this might not work for or be right for everyone. When I made this change, I was becoming more comfortable with dilators and was no longer intimidated by them - if you are feeling that way then you might not be ready to have them more out in the open. Plus, I was living on my own which undoubtedly made it that bit easier. But if you are in a place, both emotionally and physically, where you are able to make them a part of your bedroom then this might work for you. Having them out on display all the time by all means didn’t mean that I felt the need to dilate every day: I certainly didn’t feel ‘threatened’ by their presence. It was simply a case of ‘out of sight, out of mind’ and when the dilators were hidden away, I didn’t have a visual reminder to keep up the practice. Plus, having them out helped a great deal in removing the shame and normalising the whole thing.
Over to Kate…
We are often more afraid of and confused about what we are unfamiliar with. This is why in my therapy office I have a box of sex toys, dilators and sexual wellbeing products so that clients and I can look at them together before they buy a set. Many women feel anxious and nervous about using dilators, particularly for the first time; and so having them in our therapy sessions means that we can look at them together, touch them, and talk about how someone feels about starting to use them. Many women don't know what to expect at the start of dilating; so it can feel less intimidating to commit to buying a set of dilators and getting started, if you know what they will be like when they arrive.
The same principle works here - it's easier to keep dilating front of mind or in our consciousness when we can see our dilators. They can act as a visual cue, and like any process of change it can be quite out of sight out of mind. We have really busy lives and so it's easy to forget or get to the end of the day and think we'll leave it to tomorrow, which can very quickly become next week, and then next month.
Although many of us don't live alone so leaving them on display doesn't feel possible, make sure that they are easily accessible. For example, in a bedside drawer with the lube that you will also be using, or in a designated place in your room that you go to a lot (like Lisa's example of her underwear drawer). Avoidance is our most natural strategy for dealing with something that we are nervous about, or uncomfortable with and when your dilators are tucked away out of sight it makes this process of avoidance all the easier.
There is no shame in using dilators, and hiding them away only reinforces a sense that there is. Sexual wellness, wellbeing and health is an integrated part of the rest of our health and using dilators is a way of you working on yours, and getting yourself to where you want to be. This same narrative goes for female sexual pleasure, which is possible with the dilators, particularly the set from Sh! which have the optional vibrator which can be used. Pleasure is a right, and you have the right to enjoy your own body in your own way.
So in a nutshell this post is about making your environment work for you. Your dilators don't have to be on a shelf by your bed for all to see (particularly for those living in shared accommodation), but make them accessible and easy for you to get to. If they are somewhere like your underwear drawer when you open it, pick one up for a second and get used to its size and texture in your hands. Familiarity will breed comfort, and comfort will breed practice, and practice will breed confidence. When you have vaginismus you already feel like there are so many barriers in your way to getting the sex life you want, so don't let your bedroom environment be another one.