I’ve never been great at breathing – really, properly breathing, that is. And when I first started using dilators, it became apparent very early on that I needed to up my breathing game if I was to make any progress. In my view, breathing is right up there with lube as an essential part of the dilating toolkit.
Of course, this was easier said than done. Although I knew that I wanted to give dilating a go, and I was very willing in that sense, I also battled with some pretty negative thoughts about myself for having to do it in the first place. In addition to this was the internal worry that most people who dilate certainly have, I am sure: Will this even work for me? What if it doesn’t? What if I’m the only person in the world with vaginismus that it doesn’t work for?
These negative thoughts and worries meant that I couldn’t physically relax when I got my dilators out. It all felt very clinical and I’d tense up, hold my breath and try to push through it. It was like my body was fighting the process, which of course didn’t work and in turn only added to the negativity. Essentially, it was a bit of a vicious cycle that was unproductive and definitely not fun.
One day, after a particularly difficult dilating session, I decided that enough was enough and I was going to be kinder and more patient with myself. For me, this primarily meant better connecting with my body through mindful breathing. The process I adopted was to take long, deep breaths in and out for a few minutes. Then, when I started to feel more relaxed, I would take the smallest dilator and rest it at the entrance of my vagina and, every time I exhaled, I would slowly insert the dilator – only going as far as I felt comfortable with. This might sound simple, but for someone who was completely tensing up because of vaginismus it most definitely wasn’t! However, with practice and patience, I found that this slow, steady and deliberate breathing in time with my body really worked for me.
Alongside mindful breathing, I would also allow any negative thoughts and feelings to come and go without getting caught up in them; I would notice them, but not give them time and instead would bring my attention back to my breathing. In fact, in order to conquer these thoughts, I would say things out loud to myself, such as: ‘If it hurts, stop’ / ‘Your vagina is more than capable of doing this’ / ‘If today is not the day then that is fine’ / ‘All in your own time.’ I realise this might make me sound a bit strange, doing this somehow made me feel calmer, more in control and empowered.
Over to Kate…
It’s not a coincidence that breathing techniques are at the heart of many stress relief, meditation and mindfulness practices, as deep and slow breathing stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which returns the body to a calm state. (the opposite is the activation of the sympathetic nervous system which prepares the body for the fight or flight response). If you think about it in basic terms when someone is panicking or in a state of distress, we often tell them to breathe, and this is to help us slow down, and move us into a less stressed state. Breathing exercises can help with dilating by helping to keep you calm, as we know that anxiety and stress are at the centre of vaginismus. So bringing something towards the vulva and vagina may cause more stress and tension, and deep breathing can help to counteract that reaction. I recommend that women also practice deep breathing in-sync with relaxing the pelvic floor muscles before trying dilators as it can help you to feel connected to your pelvic floor muscles, and your body in general. Visualisations can also be helpful for focus, such as blowing air like you are blowing it out of a straw, or blowing out a piece of spaghetti which helps you to release the breath slowly.
I also talk to women about holding the dilators against their vulva, and getting used to the sensations of it being around their vulva and against the entrance of their vagina, so that they familiarise themselves with the feeling. When they are then feeling ready, on the out breath, relax the pelvic floor muscles and insert the dilator to the entrance of the vagina, only as far as it is comfortable. Then leave it in that position, and take a few more deep breaths, and if you want to you can then push it in further. Don’t feel that there is a rush to insert the entire dilator all at once, you can absolutely take it in stages.
Aside from the specifics of the above, breathing techniques can help you to feel grounded in your body, and can increase awareness and feeling connected to your body. This in itself is a benefit as it takes the focus away from your mind and your thoughts, which is particularly helpful if they are negative or limiting.