So, I am going to start this off by saying there really is nothing funny about having vaginismus. But, for someone like me who takes the Chandler Bing ‘humour as a defence mechanism’ approach to life, it can sometimes be helpful to find the laughter. Not everyone will be able to do that. Or even want to do that. And that is fine. But, if you think you can, read on…
When I first started using dilators, it was a horribly stressful and upsetting experience. I felt frustrated, anxious and permanently annoyed with myself - 3 feelings not conducive with the relaxation required for dilating. However, once I started connecting with other people with vaginismus and sharing dilator stories (which were all remarkably similar of course!), I was able to relax into it more and even find some light in the situation. At this point, I was in my pre-Vaginismus Network life and writing my blog ‘Hey Vaginismus!’. I was having some trouble moving up a dilator size, and decided to get creative and write a story, imagining that I was on a date with my dilator (who I named George), and we were talking out our issues. You can read it here
Although this was, on the surface, a silly joke piece of writing, it was actually extremely helpful for me to normalise what was going on, and work through some of the things that were going on in my vaginismus-riddled brain. I actually felt quite warm and friendly towards George after this piece, and the people who read my blog would ask about him and how we were getting on together. It was hilarious. But, it worked. With perseverance, and a new found respect for George the dilator, I was eventually able to insert it with no pain.
Once I started speaking to more and more people with vaginismus, I discovered that naming dilators isn't that uncommon. I know of more than one person who has named their biggest dilator ‘The Beast’. And even one that has been christened ‘Thor’. And while naming a dilator isn’t a guaranteed way to make it easier to insert, it is likely that your feelings towards it might shift: you own it, it doesn’t own you. So, go for it. Pick a name that suits its size, shape, colour or how it makes you feel. Pick a name that empowers you, or a name that makes you laugh. Or, you know, turn to the British monarchy for inspiration, like I did…
Dilating can be extremely frustrating and painful - I am absolutely not denying that. But there are ways we can make it easier for ourselves, and it starts with getting rid of some of the unhelpful seriousness and stress that we place on the dilating process. Give it a try (and PLEASE let us know what you have named your dilators!)
Over to Kate…
Dilators are pretty impersonal. It's just a fact, at least at the start of the process very few women feel enamoured with their dilators. As a therapist I have the box of Sh! dilators in my therapy room and as a first step we get them out and look at them together, hold them, feel the texture, weight, size - it's about familiarity. I find women feel more encouraged to then buy the set and get started if they have had a chance to check them out before. It's also an opportunity to talk about what looks ok, what looks scary and understand a bit more about dilators. It can get a bit stuck calling them 1,2,3,4 or 'the smallest' 'the big one' 'the middle size' and the reality is we like the things in the rest of our lives which are personalised and more personal to us so why not our dilators?
I agree wholeheartedly with Kat, there is nothing funny about vaginismus; but that doesn't mean that we can't find the occasional laugh or joke in what we are going through. Use your imagination to feel more favourable towards your dilators, name it after a sexy celebrity, give it a nickname, name the set the names of a famous boy band, call it Dave from Accounts if that's what works for you; the most important point is that in some way it brings a little smile to your face.