When I first started using dilators, I found the whole process pretty unpleasant. It felt like a huge effort, and never something that I looked forward to. From chatting to other people with vaginismus online, I soon discovered this was a very common way to feel, and avoidance was, well, unavoidable. It never occurred to me that my time with the dilators could be pleasurable or relaxing, and even though I owned some sex toys, the two things felt very separate in my head.
However, my whole relationship with dilators changed when I started talking to Lisa, and she told me about the Sh! vibrating dilators. This isn't a secret sponsored post by the way, where I have to say nice things about a product - I was genuinely mind blown when I found out that they existed, and that dilating and vibrating in harmony was a thing.
I bought my kit but the first time I used them I couldn't bring myself to switch on the vibrating bullet. The dilators themselves were much easier to insert than the ones I had previously been using, so I had a good first experience, but, for some reason, I just couldn't let the pleasure in right away. When I did turn on the vibrations though, I was amazed. Dilating suddenly became quite relaxing, fun and, dare I say... sexy?
With this newfound connection between easier dilating and pleasure, I started to experiment with using my dilators and my sex toys together. Sometimes I would use a vibrator whilst also inserting a dilator to help me to get aroused and in the mood for insertion. Other times, I would just use the sex toy, have an orgasm, and then try inserting the dilator afterwards, when my vagina was chilled out and happy.
I have spoken to lots of friends with vaginismus about this and I was pleasantly surprised by how many people use sex toys with dilators. Some prefer anal toys, such as butt plugs. Some use vibrators to help get in the mood and focus on pleasurable sensations whilst trying to insert the dilator. As one smart friend said: “Rather than concentrating on the initial insertion of the dilator, I concentrate on something which makes me feel good and relaxes me. Then I feel like my body is more ready and 'accepting'.”
It wouldn't be normal to insert a penis or a finger inside you when you're not aroused, so why would you do the same with a dilator? Although arousal isn't always present when inserting things (there ain’t nothing sexy about a speculum or a tampon, am I right?!), it is important for a healthy, fulfilling sex life. So, get aroused with dilators, and you'll soon start to make the connection between arousal and insertion.
Over to Kate…
It makes logical sense that we do more of the things that we enjoy and that make us feel good, and dilating should be no different. Although the focus of dilating is around penetration, our sex lives and certainly our pleasure are not, and the majority of women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Pleasure is a motivator and a positive encourager, and so using a sex toy whether something incorporated into a dilator like the Sh! range (I was one of the first therapists to get my hands on a set when they launched and I haven't recommended anything else since), or a separate toy like a vibrator should absolutely be an option for your dilating routine. I often recommend when women have got to the end of the dilators, that if they would like to try the next size up then to do their research and choose a sex toy, either a dildo or something more penis like ( if that is their sexual preference ) like a rampant rabbit so this is also a way of incorporating them into your dilating routine at a later stage in the process. There is another set of dilators that has 8 sizes available on the Pelvic Relief website.
https://www.pelvicrelief.co.uk/product/soul-source-size-1-violet/
For me there is often a turning point in psychosexual therapy when I am working with a woman with vaginismus, and this tends to be when pleasure becomes a part of dilating in some way. My goal as a therapist is never to just get people to a functional point, but an enjoyable and pleasurable one too; and when pleasure and orgasm become a part of the routine then they push back against anxiety, and make us want to approach rather than avoid, as our brain and neurochemical system responds in a way that motivates us to do more of what makes us feel good. Our body responds to sexual stimulation with arousal, and for women this includes increased lubrication in the vagina, and increased blood flow to the genitals both of which will help to make dilating more comfortable; but when using dilators additional lubricant should still always be used.
For some women they may feel comfortable bringing in sex toys from the start, and for others they may need time and there is no one size fits all approach. Many women struggle with feelings of shame regarding sex, and some of this messaging may be playing a part in them having vaginismus in the first place, but it also ties into engaging with your body for pleasure and enjoyment; and so if you are feeling that way, or feel that sex toys aren't for you then you can use your other hand for extra or clitoral stimulation. Read up, listen to and watch informative female and sex positive materials to help you feel clearer and support yourself in where you are today; Your body, your choice and when you feel ready then you can make an informed decision about what dilating looks like for you.